Don't Pronounce The G by James D. King

EG is very pleased to have here today James D. King, author of Ghost Burglar: The True Story of Bernard Welch, Master Thief, Ruthless Con Man, and Cold-Blooded Killer and his very funny rumination on the literary agent. Prepare to chuckle...

As an author I have asked myself what in the hell does an agent do? I answer myself because I live alone: the agent’s job is to find a company that will publish my product and pay me for it. I use the term, “product” advisedly. A book is a product and has to be marketable. It can be argued that a novel is a non-essential entertainment product like professional football or daytime television. It has to be good and entertaining. Note that I am excluding reality shows which are neither good, nor entertaining.

The book industry is a business and businesses are supposed to make money. In essence the literary agency-publishing business is like a cow. It grazes, eating manuscripts and authors. From that it produces the milk of profit and out the back end comes books. Think of your book as fertilizing the grass to make it grow so the cow can eat more and make more milk. (Yes, I agree, as analogies go that wasn’t a great one.) 

The book industry money trail starts with the 

literary agent. To keep things simple I'm excluding anything an author may do pre-agent such as buying stamps or number 2 pencils. Literary agents usually specialize in a few related genres such as cooking and paranormal romance. They are, in effect, specialist in certain products. They know what is currently selling and who is currently buying. Knowing what’s hot and what’s not is important to agents as their salaries depend upon it. He, she, or it gets 15% of what the author earns. The math is simple; MB=MM; more books equal more money. Yes, I know Albert Einstein would be envious of that equation.

Therefore the product has to be good enough to compete in a very crowded marketplace. The agent has to believe that your book is so good that Aunt Ethel will forgo buying old Fido a twenty pound bag of puppy chow and buy your book instead. 

The agent has one other consideration, who is the author? The agent knows that after the book is published the author will be called upon to extensively promote the product. The author’s ability to talk about the book, enthuse the audience, generate interest and sell more books is often a prime concern of the publisher and therefore the agent. Of course it is, their jobs depend on it. 

As an example the Romance genre is primarily written by women for women. If a romance author walks into an agent’s office and is a 55 year old, bearded man with a shaved head, tattoos on both arms, wearing torn jeans, a t-shirt with no sleeves and muddy boots (okay, I threw in the muddy boots to be silly) the agent will certainly have second thoughts about taking on this author as a client. No matter how much the agent likes the manuscript she/he has to consider this author's ability to aid in the marketing of the finished product. 

Imagine this guy at a Romance authors awards dinner sitting at a table with a bottle of Bud in his hand, a corsage pinned to his Levi motorcycle club jacket and under it a stick on tag that says, “Hello, my name is Dirty Dutch” How many romance books is this dude going to sell?

In the real, practical world we authors have to deliver a sellable product. We are responsible for the quality of that product and have to represent it in the marketplace. A literary agent is one of the gate keepers to the market. Sorry, but this reminds me of a thing I saw on National Geo channel. It was a nature show about a giant herd of African gnu’s, (don’t pronounce the g), migrating. They had to cross a river that had gate keepers. These gate keepers were crocodiles. Only the strong made it across. The weak, the un-Spell Checked and the unedited did not, especially those that pronounced the g. No comparison of literary agents to crocs is intended. Agents usually have nicer skin.

But times they are a changing.  

Just as the automobile electric starter killed engine hand crank makers, so might the electronic publishing paradigm kill literary agency. Okay, I have to admit that for 30 years or more after the introduction of the electric starter, cars still had a hole in the front grill for an engine hand crank, so maybe it was not a great analogy. Wait, maybe it was. It seems that traditional publishing and e-publishing are running along neck and neck right now and may continue so for another 30 years. Gee, sometimes I amaze myself when I nail one like that.

So in conclusion, (I know you’ve been waiting for this) literary agents are still a necessary evil. Not that agents are evil, well some may be, but they are the rich ones with big clients and you’ll never meet them. Most of the agents I have met are hard-working people trying to do a good job.

Okay, you guessed it. I wrote that last sentence because I’m looking for an agent. Anybody out there know one?

Jim is a native of Washington, DC and still lives close by in the Maryland suburbs. He has held a number of occupations some of which are, taxi cab driver, electronics technician, police detective, antique dealer, school security guard, real estate agent and author.

Jim has penned many articles for periodicals, such as “The Art Theft Archive”, “American School and University”, and the “Maryland Writer’s Association Newsletter.” His first traditionally published book, with co-author, Jack Burch, is “Ghost Burglar”. It is about a case that as a detective Jim investigated. “Ghost Burglar” won the Independent Publisher’s Associations 2013 “IPPY” National Bronze Medal in the True Crime genre.  Jim belongs to two author critique groups, is a board member of the Maryland Writer’s Association/ Montgomery County Chapter and also blogs about his book at www.ghostburglar.com. He also works occasionally at an independent book store.  

Ghost Burglar details the criminal life of Bernard Welch who ravaged the Washington metropolitan area and became America’s most “successful” burglar. It is estimated that in a few years this man stole over fifty million dollars in property. In the process he became a serial rapist and murderer. Welch lived openly in a Virginia mansion and had a summer home in Duluth, Minnesota, both with indoor pools. During his life Welch escaped from two escape proof prisons. Jim was a lead investigator in these cases and over a five year period met many obstacles, both personal and professional until Welch was arrested. One of the twists to this case is that it was responsible for stopping the funding in America of international terrorist groups.

Jim grew up reading science fiction and as a writer it has become his true passion. Since working security at middle and high schools his focus has been on the young and early adult markets. His stories do not contain the high tech aspects that are currently popular in sci-fi movies. Rather, he imagines the future to be a background to display the human ability to overcome problems and change.