EG is very pleased today to welcome freelance editor and social commenter, Clarence A. Haynes with a very stirring appraisal of the taboo in literature. It's a fascinating read. Prepare for a treat.
During the fall of last year, I visited two good friends based in Washington, D.C.One of them, psychotherapist Daniel St. Rose, MSW, showed me a chapter from a book highlighting a couples’ dynamic he found interesting. The book
in question was from Maggie Scarf— Intimate
Partners: Patterns in Love & Marriage—a bestseller published in 1987
that explored underlying factors for behavior seen in everyday romance. Scarf
is an award-winning writer and scholar who has a large, esteemed body of work on
relationships.
The pages I looked at dealt with the issue of projective
identification, an exchange system where couples unconsciously collude to place
unwanted, shamed aspects of themselves onto the other person. So a person whose
takeaway from childhood was to never express any feelings of anger, assertion
or autonomy in her family might choose a partner who will express those
feelings for her.
In turn, a partner who was taught that being vulnerable was
dangerous, who might have come from a household of nasty emotional abuse for
example, will in fact then expect all expressions of vulnerability and neediness
to come from his partner. Both folks caught up in the exchange will give off to
each other unconscious, provocative cues insinuating what is expected. The two
get to inhabit the roles which felt safe at a particular time, yet can end up causing
much anguish in their current relationship.
I’ve been exploring more of Scarf’s work, like Secrets, Lies, Betrayals: The Body/Mind
Connection and Intimate Worlds: Why
Families Thrive and How They Fail, all containing info. that continues to
be highly relevant. What struck me about her writing style is that it isn’t prescriptive
in a “10 Essential Steps to Save Your Doomed Romance!” kind of way, but that it
presents issues she’s observed honestly and forthrightly.
It also struck me that much of what she discusses deals with
taboo, the items from people’s past that they don’t talk about because it’s
been labelled as shameful, yet which they routinely re-live in their
contemporary dealings.
Books like Scarf’s and ideas like projective identification are
not the traditional stuff of Valentine’s Day wishes. They don’t jibe with
cutesy hot pink hearts or card-based declarations of unending love. (In fact,
some of the Intimate Partners revelations
might make you want to throw the hot pink hearts into the trash.) They don’t
work so well for quick social media showing off. These titles are about digging
down deep into your shadow, with individuals starting to recognize destructive
patterns from yesteryear that keep on rearing up.
Scarf’s work speaks to the power of literature when it comes
to how we deal with intimacy. The richest titles out there, whether non-fiction
or fiction from a variety of genres, aren’t afraid to ditch the commercial platitudes
and give some honest perspectives on relationship dynamics. Literature, as reports
have presented, can give a depth of experience and vision often unmatched in
other media, mirroring the very process we all need to experience when
assessing who we are and how we love.
And if you are reflecting on items that feel deeply
personal, it’s important to remember that books are a very private way of
dealing with sometimes disconcerting realizations. It is just you and the page,
and the reader has the space to reflect on what’s being presented, dream and
make connections to one’s own life. These connections can be made very quietly
and safely, with time to reflect on what the next move is, whether making life
changes, seeking out help from a professional or talking honestly with someone
who is open and cares. Scarf’s work has direct therapeutic connotations, yet
novels as diverse as Toni Morrison’s historical A Mercy or Claire Messud’s contemporary The Woman Upstairs also effectively showcase the influence of a
fraught, fractured past on intimacy.
From my own personal experiences and work in media, I think
it’s the realm of the taboo that we have to visit more often in terms of our
art and literary offerings. It contains the items we’re frightened to speak of,
the shame which has been foisted upon us through no fault of our own. It’s often
the place wherein lies our salvation and freedom.
Clarence A. Haynes is a New York-based freelance book editor who specializes in literary
and commercial fiction, sci-fi/fantasy, the performing arts and cultural
criticism, among other genres. He
also regularly writes and edits content dealing with intimacy, gender and
sexuality. More of his work and bio can be found at www.huffingtonpost.com/clarence-haynes
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